priceless.

the price you have to pay to get a clean, healthy, tender and pure heart is HIGH!

let's be honest, it isn't easy to not listen to your latest critic or be angry at the newest villain. but i think in order to keep a clean heart i have to make conscious choices to fix my eyes on Christ, tune my ears to His heartbeat and share the dreams, hurts and fears of my soul.

how priceless it is though to stand in the middle of an incredible journey where i am beginning to feel on the winning side of such a heart. a few days ago a tear filled my eye and i couldn't cry because i was shocked and so happy that something had finally touched a place i had made so guarded.

i am seeking to walk into every situation, wow i typed that and almost deleted it, and be willing to be hurt as opposed to going in guarded or gun in hand. there are still a few scabs on my heart but i haven't stopped the process. in fact, thursday i am going to begin some invasive surgery on healing wounds and cleaning out the poison of bitterness.

a clean heart before God and a tender heart towards people is priceless... and i am glad i am okay paying the price!

it can't all be bad.

my mother has me working on a project for her which involves me going through old home videos and dubbing them to DVD. thus, from that project these thoughts for sparked.

i remember growing up in quite possibly the most constricting conservative environments, both home and community (town of less that 5,000).

i was about six years old when somehow i got a hold of a M.C. Hammer cassette tape entitled "can't touch this". i would wait til my father, a minister in an ultra conservative southern church, was out of the house and i would play that tape over and over. i had no more memorized every word to that song than i began wanting my grandmother to sew me these odd shaped pants. ha ha you guessed it the famous M.C. Hammer pants. of, course i couldn't tell where i got the idea for these pants because that music was... bad, secular.

i was SIX! it wasn't that i wanted to be bad or that i was rebellious. although, some would contend that rebellion is born in the heart of a child, i know it was something much different.

even through the last few years of my adult life i have wanted to slip away and hear this band or that artist. once again, not to deceive or rebel.

but why?

i think the innocence of a child is deep in us all found great enjoyment or comfort in songs and other art. long before spiritual tour guides could come along and instruct us of all the BAD in the world, i think we saw more GOOD...

maybe it is like a child with a little cassette tape, that i am now beginning a greater re-discovery of things, possibly more significant now, that can't all be bad.

i am not saying that we should not have morals, ethics, or standards at all! i am simply saying at some point if we aren't careful we allow others to paint over the masterpiece of our creator and causing us to call "BAD" to those things which are "GOOD".

just a 23 year old... not a declaration for a movement, just part of the journey in my own heart.

confession.

i know that for some "feeling" God or the need to "feel" God is usually interpreted as immaturity in our Christian walk. for me i think i realized why it matters to me sometimes that i feel God.

it isn't that i question God or if He is real. i think it is...

i want to "feel" God not because i don't know if He is there, i just need to know that He knows i am here...

ever feel like you did a side step or missed God? it is for me in those moments where i am screaming out, "God i know you had a perfect place but i messed it up, again, and i should probably be way over there but i chose to go here and now i need to know you know i am here and i goofed because i want to end up where you want me."

you're probably way past that stage but for me i think it is that i am understanding a little better why i look to "feel" God in those stages of regret.

Bishop Jakes says, "regret is bring the power of your past into your present." that's a very scary thing and it can weigh us down. it is in those moments we look for the strength of God to carry not just our regrets but carry us through.

moments like these, i want to feel, hear, taste, or even smell God... not to know He is there, but to simply remember that He knows that i am here.

3am thoughts.

ok i am still at the beginning of this journey called life because i'm 23 and still learning alot. something hit me though about 3 AM this morning.

alright, this is still processing in my head so i hope it doesn't look like a "where's waldo" gag where we never find waldo, ha.

we face many "similar" situations in life.

when i take time to reflect on a situation in the past before dealing with it again in my future it directly affects my feelings and emotions and sometimes my decisions about where i am headed.

the plus i see is when i walk through a situation positively.

the negative, obviously, is when the result of the past situation is negative.

ok here's what hit me! if i can choose to rule out the "feeling" about a past circumstance that was negative and apply words and actions learned from it then, in essence the bad can be my good.

(basic math is a negative minus a negative produces a positive)

so, if i choose to subtract my negative emotion from a negative situation... the lesson learned can be productive (positive) in my life.

we constantly ask God to turn that which was meant for bad for our good. could it be that He has enabled us, also, to take some janky situations we've faced and allow them to propel us toward greatness?

like i said, i am still starting the journey and maybe you knew this simplistice thought forever ago. still though, what in your future do you face that your "feelings" are negative based on your past? not in all situations but maybe in this one your about to face, can you reflect on the past and that to prepare a victory for your future? i know for me, just to feel a fighting chance can often change my (-) feeling to a (+) feeling.

so there it is. my "where's waldo" at 3am thoughts.

life.

so many things in scripture point to God's giving of life to us. from Genesis where He first breathed life, to the New Testament where Christ is the bread of life. it's amazing to me that after pondering so many things in scripture i have missed one thing that is spurring me on lately... He gives life!

in searching for direction in life or simply surviving it, i am reminded that He gives me life in the midst of everything. He can breathe into dry dead bones because after all He is life. He gives that which He was from the very beginning... alive. from before we were ever an after thought He was life and He chose to give it to us as a gift.

funny that life can be such a precious gift that we forget to appreciate.

insecure.

the church has went through some major hits in the past few years. moral failures to finanacial misconduct we have watched some very talented and annointed men and women of God face some extreme battles.

i think we, the church, have done a great job at loving people and not parading these people as examples. we have corrected the moral issues and brought great accountability in the financial arena as well.

but what if someone would have shot up a warning flair or had brought our attention to it earlier? how many younger men and women could have diverted from those issues?

with that said, there is a problem plaguing the church world that is crippling young people from their ultimate calling and creating a glass ceiling for mature believers as well.

INSECURITY.

it is one of the nastiest diseases for a leader or follower to have. in my own life i saw this issue kill friendships and isolate me from mentors that loved me. my journey of healing was a broken and tough road to climb.

i learned the sad part is that insecurity does not shield one from arrogance and pride. see i can sit across the table and look at one man and think, "I am so much better than he is" and at the other, "Why is he so much better, I can't do (a) or (b) as good as he can."

insecurity and pride are sometimes married to each other. for me i had to kill pride and realize it wasn't about me in order to become whole and secure in who God created me to be.

masking insecurity does not heal it... it doesn't even really hide it.

we have to see the new revolution as us becoming whole over pointing out another flaw in the church. our insecurities in ourselves have made us cynical and critical of Christ's body. we need to celebrate God's grace and his process for each of us.

we can easily point out so many issues in "the church" because the truth is... IT'S IN US TOO! ever heard leaders constantly pointing out the same things in people? isn't easy to diagnose a sickness you have carried for a long time? we have to do some self diagnosis and allow the Great Physician to heal our incomplete heart.

i have to constantly remind myself of a quote by Jeanne Mayo, "God isn't out to hurt your pride... He's out to KILL it." insecurity will show up so many different ways and it's easy to become a chameleon and change how your insecurity comes out.

my prayer is the same as the issues i wrote about in the beginning and the men and women those issues affected. because ultimately that is all insecurity is... an issue. Jesus healed a woman in the Bible who had an "issue" of blood. He said her faith made her whole. God is faithful to make His people whole.

I believe God's desire is for each and every one of us to be made whole through Him. i want to keep pushing others to the front, promoting others' dreams, and praying the God will make us all whole through His grace...

Check the Tablet.

I love cool quotes, abstract thinking, and some controversial beliefs but...

I have realized lately that all of those quotes and beliefs tend to sit differently based on the heart it comes from.

One of my favorite verses in the Bible talks about God writing on the tablet of the heart. The past few days the thought most pounding my mind has been...

"The profoundest of words written on a dirty tablet are hard to read."

So it is the same with my heart...

"The most sincere beliefs spewing from a janky heart can sound corse and rebellious."

I will keep the tablet clean so that the author may finish His story.

Old Friend.

I was reminded today of an old friend.  Funny how growing up you don't realize those that are so essential to your life until years after they're gone and someone reminds you of them...

Cassie was that friend.  Today a simple statement sent me into a world wind of memories.  She was an inspiration to missions, my best friend in college, and the one friend I never felt dumb around.  She was the one I called at the end of my rope one night when the end was all I wanted.  When I needed to share the biggest secret of my life, I told her.

I am only 23 but in the past few years I have realized that the "Cassie's" in life don't come around too often.

Lesson for today for me?  Appreciate the ones I have today because they may be tomorrow's memory...

Life.

With the current economical situation surrounding all of us, it's hard not to have a rotten attitude.  It's also Monday and so many people talk about how bad mondays are...  People, me included, will always have/find a reason(s) to validate a crumb attitude.  Don't let them/us.

But this Monday, my Monday will make a difference in someone's life.  I choose to wake up and be ready for every possible "day ruiner".  I choose today to see the BIG picture and say, "In light of eternity... what does it matter?"  The truth is that which maters then must matter now and that which matters now is today.

So as I blast off into an "All Day Call Day"  for NYLC 09, I am choosing to run... in the direction of the fight.  Choose today to fight for the plans and purposes of God and don't be defeated every time you face opposition.

Indispensable.

Every year in the U.S. we spend more on trash bags than the total sum the rest of the world spends on all other goods. - Rob Bell 

So in a society where we spend more, to throw away more it's too easy to do the same with relationships.  For much of my life I kept most of my friendships and even my family on the outskirts of my heart so if I needed to I could quickly vote them off the island I kept so guarded.  I did this as a defense to keep from being hurt and it worked.  Sounds safe right? 

The only issue was I couldn't/wouldn't let people touch my heart or my feelings in order to preserve my safety.  I moved out and ran away more times than I can remember and hurt my family so bad just trying to make people, and myself, think they couldn't hurt me.  

I was able to quit pushing people away, when i quit running from me...

I had so much hurt and bitterness suffocating my emotions, that was a sickness I couldn't cure.  I still remember one night laying on the floor at Oxygen, Jeanne's Youth Group in Atlanta.  I was crying from my gut because I was so broken.  

By the end of that night, I realized by keeping the world at bay I had kept God there with them. So, I begin living out that realization by opening up and allowing people to see and feel both the junk and the jewels of in my heart.  

It's still not easy.

Just because you learn the lesson doesn't mean you don't repeat the grade...  I still have to go back and work through havoc I reeked in a lot of relationships, but God is faithful.  

Now, does that mean now that the world is no longer dispensable in my eyes that I too am indispensable to the world?  No.  But,  I read a quote today on a friend's wall, that's something quite common here at MCATL, it said, "Let the world feel the weight of who you are."  

I may get thrown away a million times but I will choose to let love make it's mark every step of the journey...

How Much...

How much will my sin cost you?

How much will your sin cost me?

I grew up hearing my father (a Senior Pastor) speak this quite often and I must say it is now ingrained in my head.  The thought is simple yet very life changing.  

For example...

Someone robs a department store and thousands of merchandise is theirs for free.  Then the department store must raise prices, hire security, or place video surveillance to recover and prevent the loss.  This costs them more money...  

How do they recover the loss?

Prices go up and the consumer pays for the stolen merchandise that the thief got for "free 99"...

Same with our ethics and morality.

When we lie, disobey, deceive, steal, lie, gossip etc... It cost someone.  Now as Christians, yes, Jesus Christ came and paid the ultimate price for our sin...  But the principles of God's Word outline consequences for sin.  

We always ask why does God let bad things happen to "good " people...  Maybe God doesn't...  I don't know the answer but the thought runs through my mind, "maybe it's our sin that costs those 'good' people."

I know its theologically so debatable.  I know.  I'm not answering questions or offering solutions.  Simply saying our sin has costs and those costs don't end with us...

Today we have the ability to set those running after us for success... further, faster, quicker.  We can pay the price for a higher standard and more intense character.

The race is still going and we "get" to pay-in for others and not cost them.

First.

Destroying the dream in order to protect it...

This was the thought I had when I visited the MLK Jr. Memorial today.  I went with some friends here in Atlanta but found myself being escorted away by...

a nice guy named Ben.  We didn't talk long (my group called out for me) but he was telling me about his life (homeless and on dialysis) and a little bit about the area.

He was telling me about how soon the "projects" next to Ebenezer Baptist Church would be tore down and new "condominiums" would replace them. 

Obviously, this was a good thing.  Cleaning up the area next to the church and MLK Jr. Memorial is great.  Then Ben said "the apartments were called the King Apartments."  

Ok so all of that to lead back to the point of this...  Someone had to come back and tear down what was once considered part of "the dream".  Can you imagine tearing down apartments that bore the name of one of the greatest men to live (King Apartments)?

But I guess someone "got it".  THE DREAM wasn't for a specific place, time, or people...  Although those apartments were once nice and reflected greatness but now they were run down and reflected something that was.  It's easy when something was part of greatness to leave it there and admire it.

I thought about things in my life that were once dreams that now no longer fit THE DREAM of my life.  Whether a specific place, time, or people I have to be willing to destroy and remove things that are no longer apart of THE DREAM.  Can't get hung up on what was great at one time and forget the overall purpose of why I am here on this Earth...